my empire of dirt

i am not writing this for an audience, although i am writing this warning for an audience. Today this is more than ever for me a purge a bloodletting i dont have a diary and my friends are all asleep dont read it im spewing the darkness.

iknow this is 8o% chemical 20% real. but its the 20% that has thrown me to the ground. pushed my face to the floor. watched as i crawl though flies and fleas and the remains and the refuse. Its the twenty percent who has me now, like before, stripped down to the naked place , that thirteen year place, the sandgrit, teeth rip place. Out here there are no stars, out here we is not stoned or immaculate. i dont need this place, i have nothing to learn from proximity to the ground, i have been here so many times now i know where the carpetfades and where the floorboards sag. i have eaten dirt here for years. im wise to you. im an oldman sadness, a face in a moon. i would scrape my lungs for the black i know is there cough up the bitterness and give it you as an offering. this belongs to you, the putrid insides, the dead core centre. my vacant sex ,my rotting stinking foul flesh its all yours. fucked up and fucked down, im bleeding this, its bleeding me. A paranoid, self depreciating, low self esteem little bit of loathing i see me , i see this, it will pass, it will last. this longlife milk, this twisted relative, this compartmentalised twenty percent, hides all the words i have said all the shame all the gulit all the fear. twenty percent likes small places, moves round corners i see twenty percent in the eyes of my friends. holed up and waiting, sharpening its staple gun. Attention seeking brat, fatmomma, frozen ,do other people have heartbeats and warm toes? i forget . limbless, face now up to the ceiling. i sacrafice magnolias ,babies ,french polynesia, anything to never have to feel this way again.